Saga of the Sighs

Sitting here worried that I might be plagiarizing the dictionary anytime I post something. I have this ongoing sinking feeling that Webster's is just biding their time, and then whammo! they’re gonna spring a mass of lawsuits against everybody across the world. I just know it. With every subsequent word I type, I'm sealing my fate that much further. Oh man, I'm going to jail for this, I just know it. Those of you who haven't broken any of these laws lately, would you at least visit me in prison? I'd say write me a letter, but I don't want to be an accessory as well.

My goldfish has been acting sick lately. He just lies on his back near the top of the water. I keep pouring fish food on him, but it’s like he’s on a hunger strike or something. After a few days, the weight of the fish food is starting to push him under a little more too. I even sprinkled a little Tylenol in with the food to pep him up a little, but no such luck.

Perhaps he's protesting the conditions of his tank, or he wants a companion, I don't know. It's just very bizarre behavior for him. Usually I can get his attention by tapping on the fish bowl, but he's just ignoring me. Was it something I said? Something I didn't say? Did I miss his birthday? Does he disapprove of the new color I painted the guest room? Does he want me to stop watching Desperate Housewives? I won't be able to sleep tonight knowing that I might have given my goldfish permanent emotional scars, and he may never speak to me again. I'm going to have to research this a little more, maybe bring in an aquatic psychiatrist.

In the meantime, here's an admission of lethargy on my part: I’ve grown somewhat weary of paying bills. It’s the same old thing every month. Managing the checkbook, budgeting monthly expenses, using what I learned in calculus class to squeeze $400 out of the $278 balance that’s still in my account, paying off the bookies, getting pennies out of the gutter, living on tofu the final week... all of that. It's become quite tedious. For the time being, I've decided I’m going to boycott bills and not worry about them. I'm finding they’re too much of a hassle, and it really impinges on my time. I’ve got better things to do, bigger fish to fry. I'll come back and do them later on when the time is right, possibly in the spring, but for now it's really cramping my style.

The nerve of finances to wedge its way into your daily life and try to ruin everything. Just when I was starting to enjoy things. To borrow a quote from Rita Rudner, I'd like to be rich... some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity — that's how rich I want to be. (By the way, when is it good etiquette to return a quote? I hope she doesn't get mad at me for keeping it too long.)

It's said that money can't buy happiness. I've also heard somebody point out that poverty can't buy happiness either. So then what is it? Debit cards? Does it take coupons? I'm a little confused. I probably can't afford to pay for happiness anyway. They say you can't put a price tag on it, which gives you some indication how exorbitant it must be. No matter how aggressive the salesman is, I'm going to have to tell him I've only got enough income for contentment, and the pricier models like happiness and fulfillment are too far out of my price range. I don't care what the financing is on them.

Correction
A mistake was made in a previous post regarding the anonymity of an international spy. Rusted Ruminations inadvertantly reported that his name was Alex Terwilliger from Nantucket, Maine, but it should have just said “an anonymous source.” We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused the Terwilliger family. Don't sue us, or else we'll take you off our Christmas card list.