End-of-Year Clearance Thoughts

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm typing this with one eye closed.

I don't know about you, but I don't know about me either.

I need something to do for the next 7 seconds. Any ideas? Retroactive help is fine. When I travel back in time, I'll be sure to put you in the credits.

Self-awareness is all well and good provided one is not a contemptible louse.

Kids in school today don't know the glory of the good old days when you had your own desk with a bottle of paste to eat any time you wanted.

Don't be sad it's over. Rather, show some real ambition and be sad you were ever born.

I never shy away from commitment. Instead, I run from it like a banshee.

If introverts should occasionally get out of their comfort zone and socialize, shouldn't extroverts also get out of their comfort zone and stop talking?

It blows my mind that there are artificial colors. They all look so real to me.

Has there ever been a successful person named Melvin?

To anyone I've ever offended, you may have deserved it so let's not rush to judgment.

People go to sporting events because they want to cheer on their team, and so they pay somewhere around $30-50 to go into the stadium, but that's not enough for the team, which feels obligated to use the scoreboard and organ music to prompt the fans to cheer even more than they normally would. I’m a little suspicious they’re just herding us into the games just so we can make noise for them.

There is no mention of the Internet in Neo-Classical literature, a clear sign that they were all heartless snobs.

Johnny-come-lately's aren't nearly as annoying as Jenny-come-early's.

These new ultra-compact cars would be perfect for getting around in a parking lot.

If you can't make your own mark, then train a surrogate to mimic you well.

The universe is conspiring against me today, but I'm still going with me and the points.

Allstate has accident forgiveness, but then they also have deductible purgatory, so it's probably a wash.

Happiness is not a destination. It's a railroad stop, so get off now.

If cherries aren't a berry, I don't want to be right.

How we define a thing has no bearing on its state of being.

It's fascinating how colors can change one's mood. After adjusting all my computer settings to neon green, I've curiously developed a highly functional elevated and palpable sense of unmitigated angst layered on top of the uncontrollable urge to molt.

If we were to send Justin Bieber into outer space, aliens might take it as an act of aggression.

You can't spell antidisestablishmentarianism without five i's.

Let's all synchronize our watches. On my mark.... (for those of you without watches, just count)

I've never seen a normal person. They must be invisible with normal superpowers.

When you sign out of Facebook, it says "Log in to continue." I've been insecure before, but never like that.

Don't be in such a hurry — the universe isn't going anywhere.

Alien journal: The most important aspect of the human transport vehicle appears to be that it be shiny.

Everybody has something to say, but nobody knows what it means.

I want to make a non-linear clock, one that doesn't rely on e=mc² as a variable. It will have no mechanical parts. I call it the mind.

I've gone viral in my house. Everybody is talking about me.

Having a family-friendly checkout lane at the supermarket is a nice enough gesture, although it doesn’t obscure the harsh reality that 90% of the checkout lanes are still intentionally family unfriendly.

Greek yogurt is just a passing fad, which will soon give way to Hungarian tofu.

It's often said that a certain thing could end the world as we know it. But then again, how do we know it?

I'm going to count to 10. Not because I'm mad, but just to rebuild my confidence.

Plug-ins like to crash so much I'm thinking of buying a couch just for them for whenever they stay over.

If you eat string cheese without pulling down the strings, you may be a Bohemian, plus we can't be friends. I will befriend other Bohemians.

Sure, Words With Friends is fun, but Words With Complete Strangers on a Bus in Dusseldorf is scads more invigorating.

Scientist says there's now a cure for the hangover. What, they just invented sobriety? Yeah, there's a cure for jumping off a cliff too.

What if I'm not really moving down the road, but instead everything is just coming toward me? I believe this is what Copernicus would posit in his BMW.

Some people say a particular movie wasn't true to the book, but how can you be true to something that’s fiction?

I can't always tell when people are being sarcastic in print. Even myself.

If someone tells you your shoes are untied, tell them it's still safer than flip-flops. Do they go around telling people with flip-flops, "Hey, your flip-flops are on"?

Computers are to bagpipes as nomenclature is to phrenology. Think about it. (It won't help though)

There's nothing quite like a nap. Even another nap isn't like a nap.

I’m a tad suspicious about joggers always seeming to find the missing bodies. I think they're in on it somehow, their alibi being they “just happened” to be jogging by.

Never say never, always say always, and only sometimes say sometimes. Is that a coincidence or did they plan it that way?

My person of the year is me again. I'm the only one who ever lets me sleep in on Saturdays.

I hope I don't die on TV, because they only have graveside services, and just the main characters and three relatives show up.

Confucius is now looking at Twitter from above. Are you happy what you started, eh?

Metal stuck in your lips and eyebrows is tolerable, but if you put toilet paper in your ears and nostrils, people would think you're weird.

What to get for the person who has everything… a lawn gnome-mower.

/end of rant......... Now it's time to start a new one.

L.A. only has a high population because most of the people are stuck in traffic and can't get out.

"Must-see" TV is kind of like must-eat rocks.

Pearl Jam's latest release isn't necessarily bad, if you take it back into the Neolithic Period and compare it with beating on rocks.

Pay attention to tap dancers who know Morse Code.

It's unscientific to believe in things that are invisible. Like gravity, energy, magnetic forces, electricity, waves, consciousness…

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, but seriously, I'd like more options.

Don't buy the new Pearl Jam CD. Instead, consider donating $15 to their disaster relief fund to help rescue them from their music.

Social networking is to friendships as lemmings are to swimming.

You've never seen another person through your eyes. What you see are their physical frame, expressions, mannerisms. Those are manifestations.

Overwhelm. Underwhelm. Whelm. My daily stabilizing exercise. (performed on a closed track by a professional emotionalist — do not attempt)

This sentence is entitled "Knick-knacks in the Attic": Dust-laden vestiges of tilted, half-painted wooden pulltoys from a bygone era…

People want to change the world, but it's a tricky game. Last week after I changed the world, somebody else who was also trying to change the world changed it again, so probably not many people noticed my version, but for eight minutes last Thursday the equator went through Montana and the only understandable language was Esperanto, which is why you were getting all those funny looks.

During a power outage today, I had to text on Post-it notes. It was awful!

I don't understand what the big deal is about Krispy Kreme donuts. I had five of them, and I didn't notice any difference.

Modern TV programming has restored my faith in the ability of the average person to come up with their own better material.

If you have to wear a hat to look cool, you're only borrowing coolness.

Things are unexpected due to our expectations not being aligned with reality. What shifts is not reality but rather our perceptions.

If there were truth in advertising, we'd have three minutes of dead air at every commercial break.

People who don't want to be taken seriously should not be taken seriously.

Pearl Jam's album "Lightning Bolt" is #3 in the Vedder household for recordings, behind 2) the dog howling and 1) the blender on frappe.

People who can't be bothered to use their turn signal ought to be ostracized to an island full of mimes.

Joggers don't look like they enjoy jogging all that much. In fact, they look like they're in a bit of a hurry to get it over with.

My doctor asked me if I always wear my seatbelt, and I was ashamed to confess that I take it off each night when I go to bed.

The Tower of Babel has resurfaced in our time via remote controls. And though people teach of a universal remote, none are truly compatible.

Perhaps Robin's greatest asset as a crime fighter was his uncanny ability to solve riddles. Invariably, he would figure them out before Batman, who would begrudgingly intone, 'Good work, ole chum." While the Boy Wonder doesn't get much credit comparatively, he was undeniably an integral part of the dynamic duo.

My personal mission statement — Wake up each morning. See also: afternoons.

I'm simultaneously dumbfounded by but not surprised at the human predicament. I can comfortably, if not objectively, embrace incompetence.

There aren't very many fat birds.

Sign for the Keno game said "The secret to winning: You have to play the game." Yeah, but it’s the secret to losing much more often.

Bonus tip: You should make your passwords so you can easily type them with one hand just in case you're ever trapped and need to defuse a bomb real fast.

What This is Called

Life is good. Relatively speaking — compared to all the other lives we have.

A sign in front of the store said "Open For Business." Then it struck me, so THAT'S why they're open...

Yes, I may be afraid to go in the water where the sharks are, but it must also be noted they're just as reluctant to meet me on the land.

If you haven't read my blog before, this may be a good time to start. And if you have read it, it may be a good time to stop.

Dear Diary, I can't keep writing to you like this. After all, you're an inanimate object and therefore can't read a dang thing I write. I hope you'll understand — that is, if you could read this in the first place. Maybe you could get a translator. Anyway, it's nothing personal, I assure you. Your friend always, RS

Negative numbers don't even exist in the material world. Thanks a lot, math, for making life harder than it had to be.

Every day is shirt sleeve weather if you're a polar bear.

Someone stole my identity, and they got a job for me, so now I have to move to Virginia.

Just taking up space on your screen. Because it's a human prerogative within the cyber world, and because I have all the requisite keys on my keyboard. Plus, Mount Everest is way too cold for my tastes. Kudos for your unwitting patronage and your ever-silent yet palpable pleas of endorsement.

My controversial version of yoga is to trip and fall into a cardboard box and then spend the next two hours trying to get out.

Fascinating how easily one's mood can change based on the tiniest things. I went from lugubrious to woebegone without even batting an eyelash.

The best pets would be slugs, because if they ever ran away you could still see them for several hours.

Half the world is crazy and the other half is oblivious that the other half is crazy.

This could be me typing this, or it could be seven monkeys randomly typing on typewriters hooked up by USB cables and produhcing jusdthe right combxiination of charnacteyrs. (Dang it, Clarence! I told you to proofread!)

The only effective method for handling tasks is to write them down on sticky notes and then wait until they become obsolete.

I wish I had a nickel for every time I had an appendectomy.

A study says that only 8% of what we worry about actually occurs. Further proof that worrying works.

The world's oldest man keeps dying for some reason. This could be an epidemic. Pretty soon there won't be anyone left over 100.

Please be green and think about the already expanding size of the universe the next time you consider pressing the spacebar. InhabitantsForASmallerUniverse.

People with too much time on their hands should put more on their feet.

Just finished reading The Communist Manifesto. They were right — not only was Marx a communist, but he was also Marxist.

The most acclaimed flotation devices: 3) Landing gear tires that they probably won't be needing anymore; 2) Complimentary beverage straw; 1) Life raft in your carry-on.

Possession is 9/10ths of the law, so I guess stealing it from the person who possesses it must be the other tenth.

If you read this sentence backwards, it will reveal that Tennessee Tuxedo was the Penguin, and Chumly was the Walrus.

I'm promoting nothing. Please buy it and then pay me.

What if those extra buttons on my shirt fall off before the regular buttons do?

There's too much talking in the world and not enough sleeping. Hug a mime and take a nap.

Your lights are on, shoes are untied, shirt's inside out, button's undone, zipper's open, caps lock is on, and hair's on fire. This would be a clear sign to punt.

Disappointingly, mirrors are not portals into another dimension, but merely a clever way to get us to buy other clothes.

I'm wondering now if I might have been indoctrinated as a 1st grader into believing that it was the vowels that were the friendly letters, plus we weren't all that sure about y. The consensus back then being ours was not to question y, which itself is a telltale sign of brainwashing in operation, so I am just a little dubious.

A society that needs sneeze guards for salad bars is uncivilized.

If all the things that were overrated could just switch with the things that are underrated, we could achieve perfect equilibrium in the universe and then go back to sleep.

Some people have short attention spans.

Some people.

In case you think geography precise, there are some fish that right now are simultaneously in the Atlantic Ocean and the Indian Ocean.

I can understand why the little "i" has a dot on it, but not the little "j". Some things just don’t make sense.

When you wake up tomorrow morning, your day will be a blank canvas. Admire the pristine quality of that blank canvas, and don't be a fool and put anything on it.

Mumford & Sons are nice, but then again so was Hee Haw.

Energy is overrated. It should be rated below naps, laziness, socket wrenches, documentaries, litmus paper, riboflavin and anthropomorphism, in that order.

"You can't handle the truth!" Socrates screamed at Plato as they vigorously debated materialism.

In order for us to give a descriptive word of something, we need a point of reference in mind. What describes the point of reference though?

People you never see in the same room together: Deepak Chopra and Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

I had my one chance. The guy at the drive-thru got distracted, and then he asked me, "You gave me a ten, right?" I blew it... I could've said that I gave him a million dollar bill, and then I'd be rich now, but I wasn't thinking quickly enough. I'm betting that's how Donald Trump realized his untold wealth.

Putting "For Official Use Only" on a company car is utter genius. That way, nobody can steal it unless it's for company business.

I learned 1 weird trick for staying alive. You breathe out — and then this is the weird part — you breathe in the same air you breathed out.

What a day. First, it started at 12:00 a.m., and then morning came and we had weather, and I had meals and all sorts of things like that. I talked to other people, pleasantries were exchanged, and now I've been breathing ever since I woke up, and I really need a break. And this blinking thing won't stop. My eyes won't make up their mind. Hope tomorrow's not like this.

Don't apologize for who you are. Apologize for the hideous clothes you’re wearing.

Sporting events would be great if the fans didn't have to ruin it all by showing up.

On the question of whether God exists, God probably gets a vote.

If you have the chance to go to a concert of any singer named Justin, don't roll the dice.

When people say “you know who you are,” are they saying that for the benefit of the people who don’t know who they are? Because the people who know who they are already know. I feel sad for people who don’t know who they are.

I always buy local. Products from Earth and nothing else.

Photograviposing, n. - The innate human tendency to bend down or lean in toward the center of a picture being taken even though there's plenty of room all around them.

Do you believe in time travel? Aren't we traveling through time right now?

If you follow society, you'll end up on the sociopath.

Crime drama plot idea: In early part of the show, bring in the most obvious suspect for questioning, but surprisingly have them NOT be the killer. That way it won’t be just a 5-minute show.

Guilt is a very powerful emotion. It can take up to three days to get rid of.

I dreamed that I wasn't dreaming, but I'm not sure which part to trust. However, the non-dream was sepia-toned and closed captioned.

Cheese pizza? Why even bother? That's like a patty melt without the patty. Just the melt.

Spoiler alert: Tomorrow, aliens from another galaxy will invade planet Earth and declare the Cleveland Browns NFL champions. People will be rioting in the streets.

I don't trust people who shred documents. Or who whisper. Now, a whispering shredder… those are the worst of all.

Facebook promotes a game, and then says "Warning: Highly addictive." Is that like a junkie with compassion?

You might've told somebody many years ago "nothing could be further from the truth." Since that time, whenever someone else has said it, it moves your condition further from the truth, to where it might eventually become false. The last three that have come in have been, in ascending order: grapes are a vegetable, Schenectady is in Massachussetts, and Ernest Pettibone doesn't like his wife's cooking.

How did it get to be 10:30 already? Wait... it's p.m.??

Christmas and birthday presents are easy to pick out for kids, because they don't have an income. But the only gifts you can get for grown-ups are things they wouldn't waste their own money on.

Fifty years from now, people will look at today's pictures and say, "How come everybody was wearing shorts? Were there lots of basketball tournaments?"

I like bartering with vending machines. Admittedly, they're generally pretty stubborn, but on occasion I can get them to come down a bit. I tell them I can get a better deal on another vending machine, and then I have the two of them bid for it. Sometimes I work as a lender between the two, and help them take out loans.

I don't follow the news. I try not to let it find me either.

Maxim #417: No civilization can progress so long as it has bagpipes.

We need so many TV crime dramas because there are a lot of criminal actors. I’m thinking TV prison would just take care of the whole problem.

If I win any posthumous awards, I want Jodie Foster giving my speech for me.

To disregard children is to disregard one's own self, for we're all children relative to the forces of the universe.

Just about everyone you see has been unconscious at some point during the last 24 hours. And yet most of them don’t want you to see them when they’re unconscious. Something about a social stigma.

The curious contradictory phenomenon in which many self-proclaimed religious people are still superstitious about non-religious ideas, and become most faithful in knocking on wood. The dreaded Woodknocker Sect.

There are people who are hypocritical? That's it — I quit.

Saying "I could care less" is actually proper if one is being facetious. So knock it off, comedy grammar police.

If you take the easiest way out, you’ll also find yourself in the longest line.

End-of-Year Scenarios: 1) Excess cork-popping sets off wild typhoon that wipes out all vegetation, forcing us to subsist on Hershey's kisses for three months until the supply is depleted and we fade into the burning sunset. Or 2) The countdown at midnight triggers a telekinetic bomb that turns us into dust mites and we get absorbed into an unforgiving eco-friendly vacuum cleaner.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you can read this in German, then you may want to ask for your money back.

Test statement. Do not delete, mutilate, or spindle. Especially spindle.

In this digital age, it seems the only purpose of TV programming being scheduled at specific days and times is so we're watching in unison, so we can all talk about it the next day. TV viewers are being herded into time blocks to create the illusion of newness, with the assurance that no one else watched it before you.

Wow... I was just looking at my clock, and time stood still for a second. I'm completely not kidding.

Just knowing that identity theft is out there as a possibility has got to be one of the biggest boosts to our collective self-esteem.

Today is Arbitrary Nothing Day. Tomorrow is also Arbitrary Nothing Day. I say we celebrate.

We could learn a lot from children were we not so preoccupied with teaching them.

To people who cough a lot: Kudos for breaking my concentration 200 times a day. If not for you, I'd have a hard time getting distracted.

Our mission statement can beat up your organization's mission statement.

Can you have vim without vigor? Does vigor always come with vim? What about vim and verisimilitude... would that work? (asking for an enemy)

Probably half the Internet is something trying to get your attention and fool you into clicking on it by pretending to be something other than what it is. Boy, what a productive bunch we are.

Saying "you guys" is blatantly sexist. It should be more correctly stated as "you plebeian life forms."

Someone please invent anti-social media.

In a crusade to keep our language from becoming stale, I would implore all of you to make the following substitutions in your conversation: instead of 'good', use 'splendid'; instead of 'stuff', use 'appurtenances'; instead of 'confused', use 'nonplussed'; and for any verb, use the word 'boondoggle'. Let me know of your successes or failures. And good luck...

Japanese characters are typically read vertically, so when they make a colon/right parenthesis smiley face, it looks normal.

Rock bands don’t know your name so they just refer to you as a city. They used to call me San Francisco until I moved to Baton Rouge.

I'm going to make free software with terms of agreement requiring the user to put me in their will, and I'll place that part way at the end.

Don't let anyone spoil your day. They have their own day they can spoil.

A slap on the back is a good thing, while a slap on the wrist is somewhat insulting, but then a slap in the face... that's downright lousy. I guess it all depends on where you get slapped.

Just solved a longstanding mystery of the universe. If I’m lucky, it’ll be worth something on eBay.

These "when life gives you lemons" sayings are bogus. Just throw the lemons back where they came from. You don't have to keep lemons.

When someone asks you what's the matter, tell them it doesn't matter. Then neither one of you will know what either one is talking about.

Gilligan was a world explorer, albeit a very bad one.

That moment when you're alive for almost a hundred years. Yeah, that one.

I think the wind is trying to tell me something. The message is unmistakably, "Whoosh, whoosh!"

If you are not the intended recipient of this message, what you just read was prohibited by federal law, and you should destroy all copies of it with a blowtorch and certified explosive device, available now from Ronco.

Ponderous Synapses Meanderings

This is the first line. It doesn’t do very much.

This is the second line. It’s much like the first line, only different.

With everything going viral these days, this could be the best time to make my escape. And I'll be flanked by squirrels just in case.

I just had an epiphany. They're not bad with hollandaise sauce.

George, George... George of the Britains, prince to you and me...

This perpetual existential diaspora has me frantically addled like a blindfolded whirling dervish on amphetamines hurtling off a cliff.

This was typed in a facility that processes peanuts.

I could be mistaken, but just for the sake of argument, we'll assume I'm right.

If less is more and more is less, then less being more makes it less again.

Playing bucket list roulette today. Hope it doesn't fall on "Go spelunking with Wink Martindale".

Blaze your own trails. Lewis & Clark didn't know where they were going.

I'd give my left arm for someone else's left arm.

Women talk shop too, although they're more interested in the verb form.

Apathy and indifference in a photo finish at the tape... I don't care trips over the last hurdle and breaks his leg but still manages to finish third...

Hope is all we have. Well, if that isn't about the most depressing thought imaginable...

I wonder if the inventor of the accordion feels fulfilled.

The hardest part about traversing high elevation mountain ranges is undoubtedly getting your tongue stuck on a glacier.

This this this this this this this this this. Sorry, my "this" button was stuck.

Sunsets are beautiful to us because millions of years ago on the savannahs watching the sunset meant you didn't get eaten that day.

The question of chasing your dreams isn't how to do it, but why the heck they'd be running away from you in the first place.

Never apologize for being the person you think you ought to imitate.

I called my credit card company and told them this was a stickup, but it didn't go as well as I had planned.

Life is romanticized to help it sell well, for there are many unwitting paying customers.

Remember in parallel parking, the curbs are only a guideline.

Learned my lesson about not buying iPads online. Got a sweet deal for $200, only to later find out the monitor wasn't included.

There are actually lots of "Beware of Cats" signs, but cats are smart enough to take them down.

You'll miss 100% of the shots you don't take, as well as 100% of the shots that you do take. The game is rigged. Give up and go home.

Mornings aren't all that bad if you take away the getting up and staying awake parts.

Don't let the world define you. They’re not lexicographers.

Reach for your inner strength. It's possibly somewhere near your adenoids.

The lottery is for entertainment purposes only. So the government is in the entertainment business?

I had never known that cooking eels was so easy. All you have to do is plug their tail in the wall and let simmer for twenty minutes.

I couldn't be a FedEx driver, because I don't have the legs for it.

In a funny contest between a fencepost and Will Ferrell, Ferrell would need a two-mile head start just to keep up.

Ever have one of those days where everything you do seems to follow some mysterious pattern of the Ming dynasty's role in ergonomics?

I believe in artificial intelligence. Lots of people have it.

Had a shaving accident today. Fell down four flights of stairs.

You go the whole year trying to remain unnoticed, and then something random like a birthday completely blows your cover.

Call me old-fashioned, but I'm old-fashioned.

The extent, not just the beginning, of my knowledge is a recognition that I know nothing.

Golfer: Someone who’s under the impression that a ball should go in the hole simply by virtue of it being next to the hole.

Think of all the effort we've saved by shortening "through" to "thru" and "night" to "nite". Those gh's can really be tough… I mean tuff.

We work together, go to school together, worship together, eat together, and get entertained together, but we prefer to do the living part away from all our friends. Except when we’re in college and don’t know any better.

The before pictures generally look better to me than the after pictures. At least you can see in the before one that they weren’t stuck up.

To someone, you may be the world. To others, you may just be a continent or an isthmus.

It is indeed hot today, but I'm guessing that's only because the sun is on fire.

Some people on Facebook seem to have anger management issues. They need to go drive it off with road rage.

Anyone can play chopsticks on the piano, but try playing a violin with them sometime.

For the life of me, I'll never understand as long as I live how anyone in their right mind… Um — never mind, I just figured it out.

Is it Monday yet? I wonder why no one ever says that. Except possibly those hung over from Sunday.

When Simon says something to his family members, is it implied that he always means "Simon says”?

I would've bet my life that after microwaving the dinner for five minutes it would be cold. Who knew?

Pessimists feel more grateful because their expectations are low.

You realize the size of the Earth is as large or small as you want it to be? Nothing is relative to your body — it's relative to your mind.

I wrote this sentence yesterday, but it got lost.

Is it animalist to call someone a pig?

Bumper stickers we'd like to see: "My child is an honor student and can beat up your honor student."

The significance of today is that it is now.

Aren't we all going through the motions? What else could we be doing?

Butter knives are only good for dueling against butter.

No matter how well you blink, no one is going to be impressed by it.

Rotten milk smells bad to us because on the savannahs it meant sabertooth tigers around a dead cow.

In 100 years, who's going to care if I cleaned the house today? Is it going to be on my tombstone?

We typically find ourselves going back to the past because that's where much of our memory is.

Social media expertly takes the classic principle of "too much information" and consolidates it down into tiny "too much information" nuggets.

All the things that haven't been invented yet are things we currently don't have dependencies on.

Guilt works a lot better when it's your own.

I don't plan my eating ahead of time, so I never know where my next meal is coming from.

A fact is only an opinion with gusto.

Mondays would be so much nicer if they didn't exist.

I'll be announcing later today my merger with Microsoft. It will be known as Microsoft/Rusty. Should be a beneficial move for both parties.

As long as there is chocolate in the world, there is hope.

I tend to doubt those claims of "never before seen photos". I have this gut feeling that the photographer saw them.

If you were the last person on Earth, you would never know that you were the last person on Earth.

Is it Tuesday? Asking for a friend.

Are you continually living weekend to weekend? Do you mind if I carpool with you?

Affleck as Batman, and the AFLAC duck as the Penguin. Makes perfect sense.

Those bagels I left in the cupboard three years ago are probably no good now.

I don't want to have to come up there. So behave, Canadians.

People who chew gum all the time make me nervous. Couldn't we just give them medication?

A spoon is also part of a nutritious breakfast.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with twenty steps to the car.

When things become intensified, remember you own yourself. Cough drops don't cure diseases.

The ignorant reside in the interrogative. Clicking is an art form without a museum.

People can only do as much as their subconscious allows. Mollusks don't know that they're mollusks.

The universe wants to envelop you. Line your garbage can with silk.

Always be on your guard for danger. Buy toast for lunch.

Where you go says a lot about structure. Make the most of the past tense.

No emotion can be too great for the whisperer. Fashion sense is genetic in termites.

The things we think of first have possibilities. Waxing your car is optional.

Don't give up now. There will be plenty of time to give up later.