Things I Would've Said if I Were Talking

At the beginning of time, a propaganda bomb exploded called the universe of discourse.

When in doubt, this axiom will surely provide all the artificial confidence you need for such an occasion.

Unnamed sources have confirmed that their parents didn't give them names.

Amazon says there's only one copy of a book in stock, but there are more on the way. I want to know how many more are on the way.

Views expressed on this blog are not necessarily those of the one who typed them. In some cases, I'm channeling Ernest Borgnine.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" Uh... no, officer. After Mach 4, my speedometer is totally useless.

I told my psychologist I won't be able to relax until the theory of relativity gets upgraded to a hypothesis, and she nodded in support.

When heaping praise on the venerable Henry Ford remember that he also invented traffic.

A security patch of me is available to download which addresses some of my vulnerabilities, like shyness and giving complete strangers ice cream cones.

I don't know how to get out of this rut. It's decorated so nicely, after all.

Why would I want to do a word search puzzle when they’ve already found them in the dictionary?

The difference between family and friends is that family has better resources for tracking you down after you move away.

Music was invented so that three-minute hugs wouldn't be awkward.

You can't hurry love. It will just have to wait in line behind infatuation and twitterpated.

They have a safe in a hotel room. Because even if you can't trust the hotel staff, they would never know how to get into their own safe.

"I'm having a slumber party in Berlin." "Gosh, I hope Cindy cooperates." Things Marcia Brady would say if she were an international spy.

My sleep number is -12.7, so essentially I have to sleep with the mattress on top of me.

The Wicked Witch of the West must've had a bummer of a time taking showers.

I was just disqualified from the Masters tournament for dropping my remote while Tiger Woods was putting.

The only way to not be naive is to be aware that you are.

Make a real difference in the world and go out and kill a bunch of butterflies.

While quoting oneself, best not to overdramatize.

Time to rearrange my priorities: wistful, angst, lugubrious, nonplussed, verklempt, wonky, morose. In fairness, verklempt should be third.

Thin people get better gas mileage — I can't believe weight loss programs aren't using this as a marketing strategy.

The Associated Press will no longer refer to ancient structural sites specifically as ruins, since this gives a connotation that the artifacts are worthless.

Good day so far. But then that's only because I've been postponing the inevitable panzer attacks till dusk. Plus Wal-mart's all out of ammo.

The condition of being in limbo is part and parcel of mortal life. It's not something we move past while here. We learn to cope, not avoid.

Checklist for today is complete. I did at least one thing on it, and even if it was accidental, I was the closest one to it when it happened.

Mythbusters has confirmed that you can roller skate in a buffalo herd, but only if you're a buffalo.

Al Pacino. Al Capone. Al Gore. Al Sharpton. Al Franken. Al Roker. Guys named Al that have had wives named Tipper.

I have a timeshare on a house between 3:00 and 6:00 p.m. each day. Just enough time to move the furniture in and back out.

If placed in front of a firing squad, as a last request I would ask for one final nap. Or even without the firing squad.

People speak of their knowledge as if it's something they personally own.

I hope we solve the Amelia Earhart mystery so we can finally move on to the more fascinating Amelia Bedelia mystery.

Someday our views toward vomiting will make it no longer considered as a side effect, but instead an exhilarating byproduct of medicine.

The sun will be extinguished in 4 billion years. That’s what happens when you think everything revolves around you.

Facts are up for grabs. Everything we know is internal.

Had one of those dreams last night where you wake up and are sad that it's not real. I'd been adopted by a pack of chinchillas and they made me their king.

Is it okay to microwave a styrofoam plate? And when it melts onto the food, can you still eat it? Asking for a friend who didn't survive.

Multi-tasking is a breeze. I can blink while thinking about not doing something, all at the same time.

There are probably a few hundred thousand people in the world flossing right now.

I agree with everything you say except for the parts where you delve into an anguished neurotic frenzy. Otherwise, we're on the same page.

To sleep, perchance to take a nap.

Some people have ghost writers do their writing for them. I've always been partial to zombie writers myself.

Install the latest service pack of me. Includes patches to clear up my personality defects and allows me to speak with a German accent.

Getting a D+ in school was always a major insult. The message was that you basically stunk, although ever so slightly on the good side of stunk.

I have a feeling I'm not going to hit my groove today until it's time to fall asleep.

THIS IS NOT A JOKE!! Send me $10 and I'll make sure the sun comes up tomorrow.

Now just watch tomorrow will be the first day in a few billion years that the sun doesn't come up, and I'll have egg all over my face.

There aren't enough heavy metal tunes about daffodils.

I used to be cynical until I finally realized that being realistic is the same thing but with less effort.

You don't have the latest version of me. Click on my nose to upgrade.

Some things make no sense. Actually, nothing makes sense, but some things more so than others.

Got to within about six feet of a squirrel today — closest ever been. It just froze for about five seconds. Wouldn't pose for a photo though. Squirrel probably texted to its friends: "Got within six feet of a human, but it seemed timid and wouldn't follow me up the tree to play."

Is it vain to pluck gray hairs? Of strangers, without their permission?

If more people utilized Venn diagrams, the circle would be fuller.

When you turn the page of a book, you've increased the differential of unread to read pages by four.

Have decided to fulfill a lifelong dream of raising marmots in Paraguay. The dream ends with me falling 20 stories, but otherwise it's good.

Saying nothing good is on TV is like complaining that there's no good swimming in the desert.

"Thank you for holding. Your call is very important to us. That is why we have you on hold."

I have to remember to move my space shuttle out of the 3-hour parking zone at 9:00 a.m. tomorrow. Got ticketed today for 14 spaces.

How precise is the margin of error?

My car's dirty, but I don't gauge my self-worth by the condition of a pile of metal.

If I were aliens from outer space, I'd attack our planet while humans were preoccupied with fireworks. Not that I'm a whistleblower or anything.

There are way too many sayings. —Epicurus

Ah, but to quote Shakespeare and be literary by association...

If I could do anything over, then it wouldn't have been me.

Simon says breathe out... Simon says breathe in... Breathe out again... Carly Simon says breathe out... Simon & Garfunkel say breathe out...

Kids have a strange fascination with monsters, yet as we mature we move past that and onto a more rational fixation with zombies and vampires.

Don't be stuck in the thought that today is its own entity. Today is the active state of eternity. The now is as wide open as the universe.

A failure to plan on your part does not constitute.... hey, I'll get back to you later since I'm in the middle of not planning well myself.

It actually is possible to enjoy Justin Bieber's music, providing one is a masochist.

Are all psychics mediums, or are some different sizes?

The universe had been smiling down on me temporarily for its 15 minutes of fame, but now it's an obscure auto mechanic from New Jersey.

I do not like them, Sam I Am. I do not like green eggs and Alec Baldwin.

Some books just don't make good movies. Ubuntu Linux For Dummies turned out to be a dud on screen, despite Johnny Depp's best efforts.

Looking back at grade school kickball, I'm somewhat surprised that no one ever challenged the "tap tap, no erasies" clause.

Philosophers continue to be perplexed by the mystery of what chicken tastes like.

Cadre of arbitrary words disseminated on screen via impulsively futile attempt at forming abstract dilatory concepts in a most peculiar way.

The best time to take a nap is when your eyes are open.

Rugby stadium: If you build it, they will scrum.

I made some strides today, but I'm not pushing my luck.

Fun things to do when you're omnipotent: as the magician does a disappearing trick, make something else disappear for real.

I enjoy music by the artist formerly known as Prince symbol.

Morning! Morning! Danger, Will Robinson!

My computer and I are having an argument over the new hardware. It says it found it, ignoring the obvious fact that I was the one who plugged it in.

We need clocks in our lives because we want the security of being told where to be when?

Today was really starting out as a great day until I had to open my eyes.

You may be the victim of spyware, a division of Tupperware®.

Just because I'm hypocritical doesn't mean I can't objectively discuss what hypocrisy is.

My movie review for Breaking Dawn... "It's better than Casablanca, but only if you hate Casablanca."

It's so hard to go to sleep at the end of the day when your fingers are attached to the keyboard and they won't follow you to bed.

It's 58° right now in Oregon, but AccuWeather says it feels like 83° in Florida.