Ponderous Synapses Meanderings

This is the first line. It doesn’t do very much.

This is the second line. It’s much like the first line, only different.

With everything going viral these days, this could be the best time to make my escape. And I'll be flanked by squirrels just in case.

I just had an epiphany. They're not bad with hollandaise sauce.

George, George... George of the Britains, prince to you and me...

This perpetual existential diaspora has me frantically addled like a blindfolded whirling dervish on amphetamines hurtling off a cliff.

This was typed in a facility that processes peanuts.

I could be mistaken, but just for the sake of argument, we'll assume I'm right.

If less is more and more is less, then less being more makes it less again.

Playing bucket list roulette today. Hope it doesn't fall on "Go spelunking with Wink Martindale".

Blaze your own trails. Lewis & Clark didn't know where they were going.

I'd give my left arm for someone else's left arm.

Women talk shop too, although they're more interested in the verb form.

Apathy and indifference in a photo finish at the tape... I don't care trips over the last hurdle and breaks his leg but still manages to finish third...

Hope is all we have. Well, if that isn't about the most depressing thought imaginable...

I wonder if the inventor of the accordion feels fulfilled.

The hardest part about traversing high elevation mountain ranges is undoubtedly getting your tongue stuck on a glacier.

This this this this this this this this this. Sorry, my "this" button was stuck.

Sunsets are beautiful to us because millions of years ago on the savannahs watching the sunset meant you didn't get eaten that day.

The question of chasing your dreams isn't how to do it, but why the heck they'd be running away from you in the first place.

Never apologize for being the person you think you ought to imitate.

I called my credit card company and told them this was a stickup, but it didn't go as well as I had planned.

Life is romanticized to help it sell well, for there are many unwitting paying customers.

Remember in parallel parking, the curbs are only a guideline.

Learned my lesson about not buying iPads online. Got a sweet deal for $200, only to later find out the monitor wasn't included.

There are actually lots of "Beware of Cats" signs, but cats are smart enough to take them down.

You'll miss 100% of the shots you don't take, as well as 100% of the shots that you do take. The game is rigged. Give up and go home.

Mornings aren't all that bad if you take away the getting up and staying awake parts.

Don't let the world define you. They’re not lexicographers.

Reach for your inner strength. It's possibly somewhere near your adenoids.

The lottery is for entertainment purposes only. So the government is in the entertainment business?

I had never known that cooking eels was so easy. All you have to do is plug their tail in the wall and let simmer for twenty minutes.

I couldn't be a FedEx driver, because I don't have the legs for it.

In a funny contest between a fencepost and Will Ferrell, Ferrell would need a two-mile head start just to keep up.

Ever have one of those days where everything you do seems to follow some mysterious pattern of the Ming dynasty's role in ergonomics?

I believe in artificial intelligence. Lots of people have it.

Had a shaving accident today. Fell down four flights of stairs.

You go the whole year trying to remain unnoticed, and then something random like a birthday completely blows your cover.

Call me old-fashioned, but I'm old-fashioned.

The extent, not just the beginning, of my knowledge is a recognition that I know nothing.

Golfer: Someone who’s under the impression that a ball should go in the hole simply by virtue of it being next to the hole.

Think of all the effort we've saved by shortening "through" to "thru" and "night" to "nite". Those gh's can really be tough… I mean tuff.

We work together, go to school together, worship together, eat together, and get entertained together, but we prefer to do the living part away from all our friends. Except when we’re in college and don’t know any better.

The before pictures generally look better to me than the after pictures. At least you can see in the before one that they weren’t stuck up.

To someone, you may be the world. To others, you may just be a continent or an isthmus.

It is indeed hot today, but I'm guessing that's only because the sun is on fire.

Some people on Facebook seem to have anger management issues. They need to go drive it off with road rage.

Anyone can play chopsticks on the piano, but try playing a violin with them sometime.

For the life of me, I'll never understand as long as I live how anyone in their right mind… Um — never mind, I just figured it out.

Is it Monday yet? I wonder why no one ever says that. Except possibly those hung over from Sunday.

When Simon says something to his family members, is it implied that he always means "Simon says”?

I would've bet my life that after microwaving the dinner for five minutes it would be cold. Who knew?

Pessimists feel more grateful because their expectations are low.

You realize the size of the Earth is as large or small as you want it to be? Nothing is relative to your body — it's relative to your mind.

I wrote this sentence yesterday, but it got lost.

Is it animalist to call someone a pig?

Bumper stickers we'd like to see: "My child is an honor student and can beat up your honor student."

The significance of today is that it is now.

Aren't we all going through the motions? What else could we be doing?

Butter knives are only good for dueling against butter.

No matter how well you blink, no one is going to be impressed by it.

Rotten milk smells bad to us because on the savannahs it meant sabertooth tigers around a dead cow.

In 100 years, who's going to care if I cleaned the house today? Is it going to be on my tombstone?

We typically find ourselves going back to the past because that's where much of our memory is.

Social media expertly takes the classic principle of "too much information" and consolidates it down into tiny "too much information" nuggets.

All the things that haven't been invented yet are things we currently don't have dependencies on.

Guilt works a lot better when it's your own.

I don't plan my eating ahead of time, so I never know where my next meal is coming from.

A fact is only an opinion with gusto.

Mondays would be so much nicer if they didn't exist.

I'll be announcing later today my merger with Microsoft. It will be known as Microsoft/Rusty. Should be a beneficial move for both parties.

As long as there is chocolate in the world, there is hope.

I tend to doubt those claims of "never before seen photos". I have this gut feeling that the photographer saw them.

If you were the last person on Earth, you would never know that you were the last person on Earth.

Is it Tuesday? Asking for a friend.

Are you continually living weekend to weekend? Do you mind if I carpool with you?

Affleck as Batman, and the AFLAC duck as the Penguin. Makes perfect sense.

Those bagels I left in the cupboard three years ago are probably no good now.

I don't want to have to come up there. So behave, Canadians.

People who chew gum all the time make me nervous. Couldn't we just give them medication?

A spoon is also part of a nutritious breakfast.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with twenty steps to the car.

When things become intensified, remember you own yourself. Cough drops don't cure diseases.

The ignorant reside in the interrogative. Clicking is an art form without a museum.

People can only do as much as their subconscious allows. Mollusks don't know that they're mollusks.

The universe wants to envelop you. Line your garbage can with silk.

Always be on your guard for danger. Buy toast for lunch.

Where you go says a lot about structure. Make the most of the past tense.

No emotion can be too great for the whisperer. Fashion sense is genetic in termites.

The things we think of first have possibilities. Waxing your car is optional.

Don't give up now. There will be plenty of time to give up later.