My entire life flashed before my eyes.
But it took only 32 years, because they took out all the commercials.
The universe is smiling down on me
today. Either that or it's laughing at me, I can't tell.
Once they announce the best city to
move to, everybody decides to go there and then it's no longer the best city to
move to. So then they have to move out of it again.
I'm literally typing this. Sometimes I
might type figuratively, but not today. Today I'm operating in the physical
world with all of you.
Chase sent me a new debit card and
said for me to destroy my old one because I had made a purchase at Target. I think
it just may be a thinly-veiled plot to get me to buy bombs.
Why do you have to be careful what you
wish for? Can't you just wish yourself out of it again?
How to get rid of all the bacteria in
your house: 1. Put your house in a microwave for three minutes. Caution — house
will be hot.
Confucius on Vaudeville: "Silence
is a true friend who never betrays. Never give a sword to a man who can't
dance. But seriously..."
They should've made all the states shaped
like jigsaw pieces so then that puzzle would be more challenging.
Pig Latin natives think George Michael
was a member of Amway.
The demographics of my friends is
almost getting to the point that even I wouldn't befriend me.
Whenever I'm looking for a new home,
it's always important to me to find one that's nestled somewhere.
If beauty is in the eye of the
beholder, shouldn't all our eyes be in museums?
Environmental impact analysis:
Millions of years of erosion has ruined the Grand Canyon.
Cold pizza eaters just don't have
enough ambition in life.
Sitting here at the computer just
thinking to myself. I find it usually works out better that way, which isn't to
say I haven't tried other methods.
You can substitute for "sin"
anywhere in the Bible with "Comic Sans", and it works the same.
If you say more than three whatevers
in a one-minute span, you may not know what you're talking about.
Is it better to be oblivious, or to
know that you are oblivious?
I've been selected to receive a free
cruise to the Bahamas. And then some nebulous reference or other about sleeping
in the boiler room while being bound and gagged, blah-blah-blah.
This just in: Bill Nye has provided
irrefutable proof that he was made from a kit.
The ending phrase "...said no one
ever" should come with a disclaimer of "except masochists." We
always overlook the masochists.
Notes to self: Treat others kindly,
seize the day, win friends, influence people, lose the friends, bathe, give the
day back, eat yogurt.
Hurricanes get to be
anthropomorphized, but measly little galaxies have to settle for non-descript
monikers like NGC 2207 and IC 2163. What? No Galaxy Larry or Galaxy Edith?
I was born, I came, I saw, I loitered
a bit, managed to remain relatively unobtrusive, and am hanging on to see how
it ends. My life so far, in a tweet.
We need a new ice age every million
years if for nothing us than to wipe out all our axioms and start over fresh.
Narciss- .... incompe- .... rapscal-
.... malapro- .... surrepti- .... lugubrio- .... verisimilit- .... benefic- .... egalatar- .... Beethoven's
unfinished spelling bee.
If you earn less than $4 billion a
year, click here to see if you qualify for federal funding of the rich and
famous.
And as I hung up the phone it occurred
to me, he'd grown up just like Harry Chapin... my boy was just like Harry
Chapin...
Incidentally, all my passwords start
with the letter 'm'. I'm glad I could get that off my chest.
Personal movie recommendations are
nature's way of helping you effectively weed out your friends.
People attend parties so they can do
nothing in a more interesting environment.
Is it really possible to waste time?
If time exists and if meaning exists, then time is unlimited. If time doesn't
exist then there's nothing to waste, and if meaning doesn't exist then there's
no such thing as wasting. And if time is unlimited, then it never runs out and
thus it's incapable of being wasted.
Modern man has been conditioned to somehow
believe that a dent on a car is an atrocity.
News programming wants me to decide
whether someone is guilty or not, based on whatever information they have
spoonfed me. Why don’t they just tell me…
Caution: This item was packaged in a
facility that uses packing peanuts.
The tax company that puts the person
in a Statue of Liberty costume dancing on the sidewalk is certainly one I want
to trust my money with.
Somebody add me to your phone contacts
and then text me at 541-227-0486. My phone's on vibrate and I could use a
little massage right near my hip.
Is it dangerous for crooks to be out
at night? Do they have to watch out for other crooks? Is there a crooks code of
ethics where they respect one another’s space?
Don't overestimate the ability to
underestimate what others have overestimated.
Bill Nye is now debating Boutros
Boutros-Ghali on the existential nature of the bow tie.
Sorry, taste buds, you'll have to wait
again till tomorrow for more chocolate. I know, I know... I'm totally in your
camp on this one.
People who switch to Geico could save
15% or more on their car insurance off what it would normally cost to start a
new country.
Challenges make us stronger — stronger
for more challenges, which in turn make us stronger. It's just one vicious
cycle.
10 Things to Do Before You Die:
Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe,
stop breathing.
By the next century, everything on
Earth will have won an award.
Took the "Which piece of burnt
toast are you?" quiz. Those things somehow always seem to nail it.
You
may be anal retentive if you sharpen your 0.5 mm pencil leads.
The best part of waking up.... Excuse
me, but there isn't a best part of waking up. Lousy corporate Folgers
idealistic imperialists.
Counterintuitivity isn't so much a
problem with intuition as it is with the intuiter.
Facebook says it's free and always
will be. That's the same promise that Henry V made.
The color gray is neglected and taken
for granted by nearly everyone. It should be given its due, even if it is no
more than reflected light.
I have nothing against protesters per
se, but I’m thinking they could be a tad more effective if they raised their
discourse above nursery rhymes.
Self-esteem. Self-confidence.
Self-worth. Self-assurance. Self-love. Self-respect. Self-regard. Self-mastery.
Self-contentedness. Self-control. Self-assertiveness. Self-reliance.
Self-composure. Self-will. Self-direction. Self-approval. Self-discipline.
Narcissism. Odds are I have at least two of those...
I don't like to say I told you so, but
I don't like to say I told you so.
A lot of people won't admit to a fear
of flying, and yet they’ll cheer and heave sigh of relief at a safe landing.
The beauty of Cap'n Crunch is that if
it’s spilled on a dirty floor, it raises the nutritional value.
I like putting a bunch of extra things
on my to-do list which take about 10 seconds each so I can check them off and
ignore the real items. Today I lifted my left foot in the air, blinked, and
looked at the ground.
Still waiting for a Bill & Ted
moment where I left myself a few thousand dollars from the future.
The pivotal "Marcia, Marcia,
Marcia" episode of Brady Bunch was bittersweet in that it's when the show
grew up but simultaneously lost its innocence.
For those curious, I was named Rusty
by my parents because they figured Hydrated Ferric Oxidic didn't sound as good
with our last name. Plus one of them had known somebody with that name in
high school and didn’t like them.
Why would I want to buy something that
someone else is trying to get rid of?
One reasonable theory is that captchas
are made by artificial intelligence to stump humans.
What exactly is it that harness racing
jockeys do other than hold the reins and not weigh a lot?
A statistician delights in the notion
that a snowman is about a million snowflakes.
The lottery is like trying to win an
asteroid collision with the Earth.
So what's the real technology? My
refrigerator has a defroster, while the satellite dish can't get the snow off
of itself.
What year is it? Okay, don't tell
me........ Is it A.D., or B.C.?
Whenever I’m in the mood to see lots
of ads for things like catamarans, fleece, and imported ale, I’ll do some
internet searches for catamarans, fleece, and imported ale. And, voila! my wish
is granted.
Milli Vanilli now claims that it was
saying "Blame it on Lorraine..."
Accidentally transferred 20 million
dollars from my savings account into checking. Wonder if they'll notice I'm off
by five decimals.
I find myself in a continual quest for
opportunities to use the words namby-pamby.
A book's footnotes merely lead to
other books that have more footnotes to yet other books. Why don’t we just read
the first book?
How do
ghosts properly voice their displeasure at a sporting event?
I’ve often wondered where "Go-go
gadget" fits into the origins of ancient ritualistic chants.
Our whole day revolves around food.
Eat, text, eat, text, eat, text, eat, text... How is a person supposed to get
anything done?
We need more game shows and talent
shows and dance shows and reality shows. More, I say... More!
I just know that everyone in my life
is secretly part of an elaborate flash mob and they're ready to spring it on me
at any time.
These
mysterious people on Facebook who go by a different name online... I'm not
fooled for a moment by their persona in real life.
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