It's Not What You Think

Instant oatmeal is a misnomer. I have to heat it up first.

You never see someone who is sad jumping up in the air when their picture is taken.

I agree to let this app monitor my biorhythms, taste my food, sell my clothes, and peer into my soul. Accept.

A goal not written is only a wish. And genies won't take anything in written form, which means we’re all basically out of luck.

I'm going to write a tell-all book. But first, I need a few volunteers that I can gossip about.

If there were any justice in the world, Mister Rogers would've been an announcer for monster truck ads.

Words With Friends congratulates me on reaching a certain amount of points each week, completely ignoring all of my humanitarian work.

I forgot my phone was still in airplane mode. That would explain why no one has called or texted me in the last eight months.

We should beware of wolves in sheep's clothing, as well as chihuahuas in poodles' clothing.

They always say it's an artist's rendering of how something would look. It's never an artist’s depiction of someone else's rendering. Can’t someone ever advise the artist on how they would render it, or are artists the only people who know how to render?

I like Facebook mainly for the pictures of food, as a survival technique to remind me that I need to keep eating to stay alive.

Everybody has good intentions, but the only question is for whom.

What if I don't want to agree to disagree?

If you just give me money now, I'll skip the sales pitch.

Analogies are no better than things that aren't like analogies.

Got "How to Win at Chess" only to find out my opponent had read it. Now have to get "How to Beat People Who Have Read 'How to Win at Chess' ".

5-Hour Energy drink has no sugar and only four calories, making it just as nutritious as motor oil.

Citing no other viable candidates, Mitt Romney is rumored ready to pursue his quest and get back in the ring to fight Holly Holm.

Nobody likes whiners, though strangely there are some people who like yodelers.

If knowledge truly is power, then absolute knowledge corrupts.

A tribal bushman from Africa wouldn't know that diagonal striped lines means don't park here.

Big shout out to mimes… since they can't.

When you go to a website, all the colors are produced from your own computer, not from the website.

You have more freedom in driving if you have brakes.

I never need to call in sick. I just tell them I'll be about 24 hours late.

You wouldn't need any roads if you were already where you wanted to be.

Being Canadian means always having to say you're sorrie.

Pedestrian, o, pedestrian

Gallivanting across

Nary the impetus or ambition

To reach the shore

Drowning in a sea of traffic

::::roadkill::::

Lightly salted means they couldn't help themselves although they stopped before they got too carried away.

The strategies of war involve outsmarting the opposition to get them to think you'll do what you realize they're aware of what you won't do.

So when exactly is life not surreal?

Dictators, telemarketers, leafblowers, morning DJ's. People we wouldn't miss if they conveniently vanished.

Birth is your cue to start mingling. Invitations are not needed.

Why are there no philosophers named Jimmy?

Conformists are annoying because they have to be like everyone else, and nonconformists are annoying because they have to be different than everyone else.

Inanimate things do not have birthdays, because a) they weren't born; and b) they can't blow out candles.

When a person asks, "Was it something I said?", say to them, "No, that would be correctable..."

I bought twelve yogurts at 33 cents apiece. So after figuring in my two overdraft charges from that day, it comes out to $5.92 per yogurt.

Don't you hate when you get to the end of a well-constructed, thoughtful and otherwise promising joke only to find it has no punchline?

People aren't that good at making sayings. A watched pot does in fact boil. And you snooze, you actually do win.

The newsfeed said skateboarding bulldog dies of heart problems. Couldn't they have the decency to wait till the next of kin were notified first?

War happens when nations run out of other ways to communicate with one another.

I've never seen two birds run into each other.

Convince people it's entertaining to lose their money against high stakes, set up bright lights, and voila! ...you have an industry.

People who speak in lots of acronyms think they're saving time, but all they're doing is further angering the literary gods.

If wars had referees and cheerleaders, TV and advertisers could make a killing.

Just an FYI… three capital letters and nothing else.

Life is not a spectator sport. Everyone's a pro, and everyone's on the field.

There are thousands of distinctive smells, but people can only describe a small percentage of them. Yet we have life's mysteries down solid.

If the Pope, Donald Trump and Caitlyn Jenner ever had lunch together, the media would spontaneously combust.

Panda Express' motto is: "I'm so sorry about that wait."

The etymology of every word ultimately goes back to the same words. Meaning is not intrinsic to terminology, which is a tautology.

Air is an addictive substance. Once you start, it's really hard to stop.

If you know someone who's afraid to pose a question on their own, is it all right to do it in their place? Asking for a friend…

I commonly do a few million Web searches for certain words in order to get them to become more popular in our lexicon.

Don't my Words With Friends opponents realize I've got better things to do than to wait around for them to take a break from their lives?

Leafblower guys wear earplugs, but they don't get any for us.

A marathon is tougher on slower runners because they have to run for 3 hours, while faster runners only have to run for 2 hours.

Fear is yourself believing a future will take over the present.

Standing ovations are more impressive than sitting ovations because when you sit that means you were too lazy to really mean it.

"Don't leave me all alone... take me with you!"

I always get Willem Dafoe and that other guy mixed up.

Boy doing a crossword puzzle while getting on the bathroom scale: "Another word for carcass..."

Father: "Carrion, my weighward son..."

Pseudo-intellectualism and intellectualism are competing for samehood.

Direct Message me to have me send you a thousand dollars telepathically. No strings attached.

When people say we're "beginning to understand" something, it basically means we still don't understand it and we have no idea how close we are.

Just another manic Monday... Wish it was Friday instead of Sunday... Then the next day wouldn't be manic Monday...

Those car alarms you hear going off all the time are the sound of modern technology, symbolizing our progress.

Rand Paul's campaign slogan is "Stand with Rand." But still not as good as "Sit with Mitt."

In art, if you mess up your painting, that's why they invented abstract.

Psst... that incredible stash of candy that you get all excited about every Halloween is available any time of the year for about $15.

Interviewer to player on losing team: "What kind of character does this team have?" Player: "We have none. We always give up. We don't know how to win."

What if the word "entrepreneur" were something less elegant, like maybe "hemlock", or "bobo"? It might not have quite the same appeal.

The good thing about a creative mind is it's encrypted so nobody can hack it.

Sharks are harmless creatures. They only want to eat you because they think you're a giant candy bar.

Don't correct people when they say something wrong — only correct them if they're correcting someone else.

I want to warn people approaching one another on a blind sidewalk corner, yet I also appreciate the fertile suspense such situations bring.

An auction is an attempt to get people to pay more than someone else is willing to pay.

Advancing technology means increasingly not being able to figure out how to operate what you own.

People who eat cookies before noon would probably shoot their dog if it were convenient.

The checkout clerks in grocery stores asking if you found everything all right need to be out in the aisles where all the action is.

The best way to confound your opponent in a competition is to randomly alter strategies so that even you don't know the pattern.

Pharmaceutical corporations fully support medical marijuana because it gives people more incentive to be sick.

The last generation that wasn’t freaked out by clowns has just entered retirement.