Things to Forget to Clear Up Space in Your Mind

I've finally reached stasis. Nobody touch me.

Potato chip survival strategy: Hold on to other chips in front and behind you. When pulled out of bag, let go and land on floor. Then play dead.

Tip to robbers: Crawl through the doorway following a robbery when you exit a store, that way they'll think you're only about 1 foot tall.

My earbuds say they're guaranteed to not fall out, with the disclaimer "as long as you allow one of our customer reps to surgically implant them."

Things different planets need...

Mercury: air-conditioning

Mars: women

Neptune: cigarettes

Jupiter: comic books

Saturn: new coat of paint

I tried to negotiate a turn, but I was only able to talk the car down to 45 miles per hour.

If a band uses the harmonica, that's a good sign their songs won't be about the destruction of civilization.

Dexy's Midnight Runners would have been music legends if only they had realized their potential and been like the Beatles.

You could win $1,000,000. And you could be sucked into a sinkhole on the way to work. So ask yourself, do I feel lucky... well, do ya, punk?

This is Prostate Awareness Month, and I'm just finding out on the 21st? How could I go that long without being aware of my prostate?

My guess is Occam probably never shaved, because growing a beard would’ve been simpler.

Nobody cares about temperature anymore... it's always humidity, humidity, humidity.

Linn-Benton Tractor said they're taking care of all my trailer needs. I didn't even know I had trailer needs.

Facebook notifications I'd like to see: "John Doe changed one pixel in his profile picture. See if you can figure out which one."

There's no need to kill two birds with one stone if you have seven stones.

Trying to solve a crossword, 11-letter word for "hindermost proclivity", and the ninth letter is a 'k'.

I forgot to mention the crossword is in Swahili.

You know we're real close to artificial intelligence when autocorrect gets the right word 3% of the time. It's like it's reading my mind.

The fatalist understands that putting one's ducks in a row only makes them an easier target.

I have my phone set to masochistic. It warns me if I have the volume down too low.

As the world spirals into oblivion, the universe balances it out with a new Phish album.

History will look back in bewilderment at the numerous civilizations wiped out in the Clown Wars.

The word 'Revolution' is popular in songs only due to its cadence in four beats. As it turns out, nobody really wanted to revolt.

The best laid plans of mice and men are doomed to failure, as mice have an undeveloped prefrontal cortex and men form committees.

There are thousands of car alarms going off all over the world at any given moment. If aliens are trying to come here, we may be scaring them away.

The two types of people in the world:

a) those who see it my way

b) those who are incapable of compromising

Mornings are a conspiracy to get me out of bed each day.

My pet slug ran away last week. Finally, after getting three feet away from the front door, he decided to come back.

Whenever a magazine gives 99 tips on something, I'm thinking "You were that close..."

Caution: That thing you just microwaved for five minutes to make it hot will be hot.

Dolphins may be highly advanced, but only 4% of them can parallel park, compared to 7% for humans.

Samsung to donate millions of Galaxy Note 7's to International Olympic Committee for lighting of the Olympic flame at 2018 Winter Games.

CNN reports there are ten times more galaxies in the universe than previously estimated.... um, which is also an estimate.

Bucket list in final week of life: Drive through red light fifty times while changing facial expression each time for traffic camera.

Samsung says the Galaxy Note 7 catching fire is a new feature. "What if you're stranded in the wilderness and you need to ignite something?"

I still don't understand why Jason Bourne was on Mars. Granted, it's a decent place to hide and all, but it's much more fun when he has to flee.

Every day we just go through the motions. Tomorrow, for a change of pace try doing it all telepathically.

Evolution of yapper dogs had they continued in the wild:

Yap!, yap!, yap!, yap!..... extinct.

It's always strawberry banana, but never banana strawberry. Somebody needs a better publicity agent.

If your doctor owns a copy of Medicine For Dummies, it could be time to start worrying.

Great... someone may have stolen the information on my fake Yahoo e-mail account.

There's no 'I' in 'me'.

You can tell if a musician is serious or not by whether they employ "la-la-la" in their la-la-lyrics.

They call Facebook social media because "propaganda psychobabble machine" had too many syllables.

Phish is a cross between a Grateful Dead tribute band without the drugs and the group that comes in third every year at the county fair.

Why are we so surprised when politicians lie? That's the only thing they're good at...

Every time you say "uh" or "um", an angel loses its wings.

Which shoehorned categorization fits your feeble attempt at describing your personality through a multiple choice quiz? Wow, that's me....

If nothing in the universe had eyes or visual sensory mechanisms, would color exist?

So it's vampires, zombies, werewolves, lawn gnomes, wizards, pirates... and now clowns. Mimes can't be too far around the corner.

Stores have signs saying they card anyone under 30. But then wouldn't they have to card people in their thirties to see if they're under 30?

Memo to The Onion: You can quit now—we've caught up with you.

Apparently someone on my LinkedIn list just added a new skill. I must stop what I'm doing and go find out if they can now swallow fireballs.

Iggy Pop rumored to be taking over Orville Redenbacher franchise.

"Which superhero are you?" None of them--that's why they get all the movie deals and then I watch them on DVD. Very subtle difference there.

When they say something free is "complimentary", it means the rest of what they're offering is going to cost you in gold bullion.

A book of idioms might also be titled "Headline Writing For Dummies".

Carpet and furniture fabric patterns camouflage stains by simulating them. Somewhere in there is a life lesson.

New Exciting Paths For the Synapses

One thing they can never take away from you is your integrity. Also, they can't take away any of your bad personality traits either.

Yo-yo commercial disclaimer: "All tricks take practice." Just in case you were going to sue them when it didn't work the first time.

Medi-Share says it provides affordable, Biblical healthcare. Thank goodness leprosy is now covered.

Humans are possibly the third most gullible species, behind amoebas and tse tse flies.

I was trying to text "Not sure if I'll be at book club tonight," but autocorrect somehow changed it to "I'd rather languish endlessly in a vat of sludge."

You'd think they would make ovens already preheated.

They say don't go grocery shopping when hungry, but it should be don't go grocery shopping after winning the lottery or during surgery.

Left to my own devices, I'd probably just have my phone, tablet and laptop.

Any food that begins with the letter 'k' is automatically good for you.

Self-driving cars are merely computers that move. And we all know that nothing ever goes wrong with computers.

I just had an a-ha moment, and it was singing "Take on Me".

Whoever came up with the phrase "Give credit where credit is due" must've thought of that one real hard.

  

Being a political fact checker is basically the same as carding a class of kindergartners.

The curious art of competition is deriving a sense of accomplishment from your opponent's failure, and a delight in their frustration.

This is what happens when you have too many celebrities. Thirty years later they start dying off like flies.

Psychology has become an outmoded discipline now that we have online polls and Facebook profile quizzes.

Makes no sense for either theists or atheists to be superstitious. You'd have to be a mystic somewhere in between.

The most advanced species on the planet in the middle of the technology age, and yet we're still incapable of managing adequate parking.

If taking baby steps in one's progress means crawling on your belly while slobbering and eating lint off the floor, I can do that.

My presidential primary ballot says to use either black or blue ink, but it also says to blacken the oval completely.

So, when you say "you're dead to me," I'm guessing that's in a zombie-affectionate sort of way?

All the different awareness months are drowning out each others' awareness. They need an awareness bracket and an awareness final four.

If your city's motto is "Gateway to Better Cities", you may want to consider moving.

A new idea for Britain's Got Talent... Bring on an unassuming performer, have the judges look skeptical, then have the performer be Fabio.

Hail is always the size of hail.

Plato: "Is it better to be a sad rich person or a happy poor person?"

Socrates: "… and the mildly content middle class gets overlooked once again."

Alien report on humans... "Their ultimate experience would seem to be playing video games where you buy mattresses from Taylor Swift."

Anomalies are normal.

To the unprincipled politician, every hypothetical is a trick question.

I'm going to vote for the lesser of three evils this election. The first two evils are too creepy.

Capital One keeps asking me what's in my wallet. I store watermelons in there, if you must know. Probably ten, eleven at a time.

Communication Age: A bygone era when the term "literally" was misused about 95% of the time.

Everybody's always surprised how old they are.

There's no need to kill two birds with one stone if you have seven stones.

Pickup truck commercials give me the impression they think I'm desperately in search of a Sherman tank.

We think we're free, but the moon's orbit determines how often we pay our bills and the sun's orbit tells us when we can blow out candles.

Caught a cockroach and then let it back out into its natural habitat: New Jersey.

Everything you buy now is risk-free. In former times, there might've been a money-back guarantee, but you still had to risk.

"Bark like a dog" is most curious... good thing they clarify, otherwise we might think they're referring to a barking spider or penguin.

Waffles are just pancakes that somebody made an impression on.

Quantity over quality, style over substance, personality over character, appearance over content. Modern societal decay in four movements.

I was expecting Wednesday to come before Tuesday. Other than that, the week has gone just as I had planned.

Imitation is indeed a high form of flattery, but it's plagiarism that truly says they wouldn't change a thing.

Who rates the Better Business Bureau?

If only we could get Iran on some HIPAA violation, then we'd be set.

A dream not written is only a wish, but who has a pen while they're asleep?

Weather websites have so much bloatware on them I could be killed by a monsoon while I'm waiting for the page to load.

So glad everybody's posting houses for sale on Facebook. But my heart's on the little shack that you won't believe how it looks inside.

I can get all my daily calories from one box of cereal. This new discovery is going to greatly simplify my life.

Don't settle for the status quo — leave your comfort zone. On the other hand, appreciate what you have — the grass always seems greener on the other side.

Fast food drive-up windows have a sign saying no smoking within 10 feet. What driver are they going to enforce that against?

I like ordering things online just for the fun of tracking the package.

Leafblowers should be nominated to colonize Mars. It would be their higher purpose.

Baby steps makes no sense.... babies don't even walk.

In high school I was trying to decide which instrument to play, and then, Viola!, it came to me.

I support local communities. Those communities that are somewhere else are just too elusive.

There's no good reason for computers to not accept passwords when caps lock is on, especially when they already know caps lock is on.

"Operators are standing by" is just a fancy way of saying they'll answer the phone when you call, a rather profound concept.

The only drawback of technology is that it refreshes every few months and wipes out everything you had. But other than that, it's great!

Determinists are curiously never willing to give up any of their own personal "determinism".

Leafblower, leafblower, blow me a leaf

twig me a twig

branch me a branch

So let's say Occam's Razor is true 80% of the time. That's still nothing to feel existentially smug about.

Amazon wants to induce consumer panic (order now, only one copy left) while avoiding utter despair (don't give up, more on the way).

A grilled cheese sandwich is just two pieces of toast with cheese on them.

I end up correcting auto correct about ten times as often as it corrects my actual mistakes, so the utility of it escapes me.

Can you be a retired flight instructor without ever having been a flight instructor?

Working on my next motivational book, "Why Money Doesn't Bring You Happiness But How Getting Rich Is Still The Answer To Your Dreams."

When you open a door for someone, you're saving them three seconds out of their life. You have to do that 28,800 times to save them a day.

The main ingredient in breakfast cereals is goodness — about 90% of the recommended daily alllowance.

Richard Simmons wasn't missing — he just thought he was Leo Sayer.

Misty Watercolor Memories

There’s never a suitable snippet to go first. But somebody’s got to take one for the team.

"Hope is all we have..." Which itself is about the most hopeless thought imaginable.

My doctor asked me to rate my pain, so I consulted the Russian judge, who gave it a 6.5 on style and an 8.0 for degree of difficulty.

It's a good thing The Home Depot's logo lettering is diagonal, otherwise it wouldn't fit in that square.

103 years after the invention of the zipper, it continues to get stuck and separated. We must own up to the sobering reality that zipper engineering has failed us.

In the "Where Are They Now" segments, oddly those people are always older.

Memo to self: Stop sending me memos.

I’m unmotivated because I have low expectations of other people, and I live by the Golden Rule.

When Obi-wan spoke of never finding a more wretched hive of scum and villainy, he could not have anticipated leaf blowers.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than being eaten by a rabid dolphin.

Trying to decide if I want to buy stationery at the Post Office or pay off my mortgage.

The Super Bowl halftime show once got the Rolling Stones thirty years past their prime, and this year it got Coldplay thirty years past not having one.

Do you ever feel like you're walking backwards? Like when you're walking backwards?

(this is not me, but an impersonator trying to look like me)

The closest thing to an ‘Unlike’ button is sending a LinkedIn invitation.

Do you have time to take a one-question survey?

Answer: No

Those signs that say "Thank You For Not Smoking" — how can they tell what I'm doing?

As I now listen to pieces of classical music, I realize these were from all the Bugs Bunny episodes.

Why are pharmaceutical companies so obsessed with telling me about all of my loved ones? Are they trying to hold my emotions hostage?

Social media is merely a way for the law to get us to take our own mugshots so they don’t have to.

Boy, do I have egg on my face after not getting the memo that today was pajama day at work.

Mulling over somehow seems so much more noble than just garden-variety thinking.

Scientists discover behind Planet Nine another three planets, as well as Amelia Earhart, Sasquatch, and asteroid belt of socks.

The size of the known universe is about a quadrillion quadrillion times as large as our solitary solar system, where we couldn't find a giant #9 planet over in the corner pocket.

The fiasco at the Miss Universe pageant never would've happened if beauty pageants didn't have to add to the tension by announcing runners-up, or if they just didn’t have beauty pageants.

On the flipside, Miss Colombia had the privilege of being Miss Universe for a few seconds that she otherwise never would’ve had.

I'm a minimalist/fatalist... I fear the worst will happen, but only in a very simplified way.

Leaf blowers have no sense of purpose, wandering aimlessly as if wielding metal detectors while blindfolded in the dark.

"My name is Inigo Montoya... you literally killed that word... prepare to die..."

"Stop SAYING that!!"

I can't decide whether to go on hiatus or take a sabbatical. Or I wonder if you can go on hiatus in the middle of a sabbatical...

Star Wars VII spoiler: They cast Leia.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than 26 other people winning it.

Sarah Palin's endorsement is nice, but what I really want to know is who Carrot Top is going to vote for.

Dolphins don't have to-do lists.

John Ritter doesn't get enough credit for his work on Three's Company. All right then... that got him the credit he needed.

They always talk about where prices start, but no one wants to speak of where they end.

The jokes of my co-workers are so old that it's almost time for them to be funny again.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than Jimmy Fallon, only because you can't win Jimmy Fallon.

Scientists have just discovered another quasar the size of 17 galaxies, hiding behind one of the international space stations.

Cake is overrated unless it's birthday cake. Otherwise, it should be rated just below corn nuts and right above kelp.

How is it that ham and pork are good for you, but bacon somehow isn't? Must be a conspiracy just so pigs can save their bacon.

An online ad for gambling addiction recovery shows a woman laughing. That must’ve been the before picture.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting a nine-iron lodged in your throat.

How are computer viruses supposed to compete with the monopoly of Windows updates?

My car's not working… computer's not working... phone's not working... I might as well live in 1854.

The bank handling our mortgage reacted rather contentiously when I requested to change the draw date from the 5th of the month to the 12th of never.

Half the trends in the world are declining, the other half are on the rise, and the media will report that both are alarming.

Healing fast from injuries is a skill that only tough athletes have learned to master.

They should have a different name for "Double Bogey", like maybe "a Bergman".

It's a good thing we have movies, otherwise we wouldn't know anything about time travel or future technology.

We used to have to pay dollars for things, but now with recent modern advances we can pay in bucks, which are much easier.

I got a nice letter from Dell saying they miss me. Ergo, they miss my money.

A two-game winning streak is average.

Pure existence has no analogy.

We act as though we expect all close-range field goals to be made, but if it were automatic then we wouldn't need to do them.

The only area in life where things plummet is economics.

Leaf blowers take away our dignity, and all they give back is displaced leaves.

Lord, grant me the patience of Jake and Elwood Blues when they were in the elevator.

Presidential debates need moderators because people running for president can't be trusted to behave responsibly.

Brevity is the soul of

When something is successful 97% of the time, we still act surprised that the 3% ever occurs.

I ask doctors on a scale of 1 to 10 to rate how accurate they think their diagnosis is.

The main purpose of Facebook is to teach us that a building that looks plain on the outside can still have lots of neat furniture inside.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than falling off a cliff in Florida.

I have 674 new updates in LinkedIn. I think I may check them during one of the next Olympics.

I feel like I have the force whenever I swipe my phone. A phone Jedi is nothing to sneeze at.

Any two nouns in English language should form a valid compound word, such as...

germfocus

waxhokum

theorycatapult

pachydermlint

dangerpickle

When life gives you lemons, do the merengue.

I was going to reorganize my spice collection but then I ran out of thyme.

Ever notice that "debt" and "debit" are so close in spelling?

Whenever Oil Can Henry's tells me my oil is low, I sense they're ready to slap the back of my hand.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than of being married to Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

Do we have to keep calling people in cars 'motorists'?

Alternate endings to Star Wars VII...

Rey: You ah my fah-thah, Luke.

Luke: Nooooooo!!!!!!!