There’s never a suitable snippet to go first. But
somebody’s got to take one for the team.
"Hope is all we have..." Which itself is
about the most hopeless thought imaginable.
My doctor asked me to rate my pain, so I consulted
the Russian judge, who gave it a 6.5 on style and an 8.0 for degree of
difficulty.
It's a good thing The Home Depot's logo lettering is
diagonal, otherwise it wouldn't fit in that square.
103 years after the invention of the zipper, it
continues to get stuck and separated. We must own up to the sobering reality
that zipper engineering has failed us.
In the "Where Are They Now" segments,
oddly those people are always older.
Memo to self: Stop sending me memos.
I’m unmotivated because I have low expectations of
other people, and I live by the Golden Rule.
When Obi-wan spoke of never finding a more wretched
hive of scum and villainy, he could not have anticipated leaf blowers.
You have a better chance of winning the lottery than
being eaten by a rabid dolphin.
Trying to decide if I want to buy stationery at the
Post Office or pay off my mortgage.
The Super Bowl halftime show once got the Rolling
Stones thirty years past their prime, and this year it got Coldplay thirty
years past not having one.
Do you ever feel like you're walking backwards? Like
when you're walking backwards?
 |
| (this is not me, but an impersonator trying to look like me) |
Do you have time to take a one-question survey?
Answer: No
Those signs that say "Thank You For Not
Smoking" — how can they tell what I'm doing?
As I now listen to pieces of classical music, I
realize these were from all the Bugs Bunny episodes.
Why are pharmaceutical companies so obsessed with
telling me about all of my loved ones? Are they trying to hold my emotions
hostage?
Social media is merely a way for the law to get us
to take our own mugshots so they don’t have to.
Boy, do I have egg on my face after not getting the
memo that today was pajama day at work.
Mulling over somehow seems so much more noble than
just garden-variety thinking.
Scientists discover behind Planet Nine another three
planets, as well as Amelia Earhart, Sasquatch, and asteroid belt of socks.
The size of the known universe is about a
quadrillion quadrillion times as large as our solitary solar system, where we
couldn't find a giant #9 planet over in the corner pocket.
The fiasco at the Miss Universe pageant never
would've happened if beauty pageants didn't have to add to the tension by
announcing runners-up, or if they just didn’t have beauty pageants.
On the flipside, Miss Colombia had the privilege of
being Miss Universe for a few seconds that she otherwise never would’ve had.
I'm a minimalist/fatalist... I fear the worst will happen, but only in a very simplified way.
I'm a minimalist/fatalist... I fear the worst will happen, but only in a very simplified way.
Leaf blowers have no sense of purpose, wandering
aimlessly as if wielding metal detectors while blindfolded in the dark.
"My name is Inigo Montoya... you literally
killed that word... prepare to die..."
"Stop SAYING that!!"
I can't decide whether to go on hiatus or take a
sabbatical. Or I wonder if you can go on hiatus in the middle of a
sabbatical...
Star Wars VII spoiler: They cast Leia.
You have a better chance of winning the lottery than
26 other people winning it.
Sarah Palin's endorsement is nice, but what I really
want to know is who Carrot Top is going to vote for.
Dolphins don't have to-do lists.
John Ritter doesn't get enough credit for his work
on Three's Company. All right then... that got him the credit he needed.
They always talk about where prices start, but no
one wants to speak of where they end.
The jokes of my co-workers are so old that it's
almost time for them to be funny again.
You have a better chance of winning the lottery than Jimmy Fallon, only because you can't win Jimmy Fallon.
Scientists have just discovered another quasar the size of 17 galaxies, hiding behind one of the international space stations.
Cake is overrated unless it's birthday cake.
Otherwise, it should be rated just below corn nuts and right above kelp.
How is it that ham and pork are good for you, but
bacon somehow isn't? Must be a conspiracy just so pigs can save their bacon.
An online ad for gambling addiction recovery shows a
woman laughing. That must’ve been the before picture.
You have a better chance of winning the lottery than
getting a nine-iron lodged in your throat.
How are computer viruses supposed to compete with
the monopoly of Windows updates?
My car's not working… computer's not working... phone's
not working... I might as well live in 1854.
The bank handling our mortgage reacted rather contentiously
when I requested to change the draw date from the 5th of the month to the 12th
of never.
Half the trends in the world are declining, the
other half are on the rise, and the media will report that both are alarming.
Healing fast from injuries is a skill that only
tough athletes have learned to master.
They should have a different name for "Double
Bogey", like maybe "a Bergman".
It's a good thing we have movies, otherwise we
wouldn't know anything about time travel or future technology.
We used to have to pay dollars for things, but now
with recent modern advances we can pay in bucks, which are much easier.
I got a nice letter from Dell saying they miss me.
Ergo, they miss my money.
A two-game winning streak is average.
Pure existence has no analogy.
We act as though we expect all close-range field
goals to be made, but if it were automatic then we wouldn't need to do them.
The only area in life where things plummet is
economics.
Leaf blowers take away our dignity, and all they
give back is displaced leaves.
Lord, grant me the patience of Jake and Elwood Blues
when they were in the elevator.
Presidential debates need moderators because people
running for president can't be trusted to behave responsibly.
Brevity is the soul of
When something is successful 97% of the time, we
still act surprised that the 3% ever occurs.
I ask doctors on a scale of 1 to 10 to rate how
accurate they think their diagnosis is.
The main purpose of Facebook is to teach us that a
building that looks plain on the outside can still have lots of neat furniture
inside.
You have a better chance of winning the lottery than
falling off a cliff in Florida.
I have 674 new updates in LinkedIn. I think I may
check them during one of the next Olympics.
I feel like I have the force whenever I swipe my
phone. A phone Jedi is nothing to sneeze at.
Any two nouns in English language should form a
valid compound word, such as...
germfocus
waxhokum
theorycatapult
pachydermlint
dangerpickle
When life gives you lemons, do the merengue.
I was going to reorganize my spice collection but
then I ran out of thyme.
Ever notice that "debt" and
"debit" are so close in spelling?
Whenever Oil Can Henry's tells me my oil is low, I
sense they're ready to slap the back of my hand.
You have a better chance of winning the lottery than
of being married to Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
Do we have to keep calling people in cars
'motorists'?
Alternate endings to Star Wars VII...
Rey: You ah my fah-thah, Luke.
Luke: Nooooooo!!!!!!!
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