Air makes food spoil, so the answer to solving world
hunger is to get rid of all nitrogen and oxygen.
The radio ad said they wanted to wish me and my
loved ones a happy holiday experience. Don’t they care at all about my enemies?
When a volcano dies, does it get cremated?
Enter for a chance to win, and a million chances to
lose.
It doesn't matter how deranged others might consider
you to be, as long as they still think you're saner than they are.
Nature documentary all-time won-loss record of
rabbits in the wild versus other animals: no wins, 46,817 losses.
A young Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1973, prepping
for his classical music role-playing: “You be Beethoven... and I'll be Bach.”
Study says eating nuts every day could help you live
longer. Or it could make you spontaneously combust at age 36, they're not
really sure.
If an avalanche ever fell on a bunch of sharks that
were eating pirates, the news media would go apoplectic.
Descartes: “I think, therefore I am. Plus, Captcha
verified that I was human.”
Breaking: Harry Potter involved in unethical
practices, according to anonymous sorceress.
Everybody wants to recycle, but nobody wants to
cycle the first time.
If your bucket list includes scaling thousand-foot
cliffs, I’d say it’s probably better to put that one toward the end of your list.
They should have chihuahuas be police dogs. They
wouldn't help apprehend anyone, but at least it would keep the chihuahuas off
the streets.
Traffic lights are going back and forth between red
and green everywhere you look. How can anyone rest with all this going on??
When Buddy Holly asked for help on what to name his
band...... crickets.
A pessimist is one who says “Things can't get any
worse.” An optimist is one who says “Oh, yes they can!”
Instead of spending $15 on a pizza, send the money
to me. And assume you’d eat pizza for every meal an entire week.
indescribable, adj. - “not describable; too
extraordinary for description.” So then why is it an adjective?
Bill Gates was the only one who tweeted when Elvis
died forty years ago.
I prefer doing things for all intents and/or
purposes just to leave my options wide open.
Tribute bands are paying tribute while you’re paying
them.
When someone says they're reaching out to you, ask
them why they're so far away.
Little-known fact… The names of Lawrence Welk's two
female assistants were: Anna 1, Anna 2.
My favorite insect is the praying mantis, followed closely
by the genuflecting mantis and the curtsying mantis.
Exclusive: In order to maintain its ongoing credibility, People
magazine reports once more that Jennifer Aniston is still alive.
My phone says my Verizon cloud is full. I guess
that's how they introduce me to the idea that I have a Verizon cloud. Well
played.
We're reluctant to let any species become extinct or
any aging celebrity leave the earth.
When Oreo flavors and potato chip flavors eventually
merge, that will be an indication of the end of times.
I just listened to a few songs by the Smiths, and
now I have no ambition.
A debate merely demonstrates who the better debater
is, not who's right.
Why would a terrorist organization not take credit
for an attack? Would they be worried about their reputation?
Please support my GoFundMe account so I'll never
have to work again in my life. I'll even send you postcards from Tuscany.
I wonder if internet links will still be underlined
in a hundred years… if artificial intelligence hasn't annihilated us first.
Everybody's in a hurry to get somewhere, but they
already are somewhere.
Horses are insufferable naysayers, which is why I
can't be around them in closed company.
Does moss on my car mean it needs to be washed or
that nature is protecting it?
Instead of “May contain content inappropriate for
children,” shouldn't movies say “Contains content that may be inappropriate for
children”?
The New York Times said in an opinion piece that
according to their opinion, they know what some facts are. So is it their
opinion they know, or do they know that it's their opinion?
The meaning of every word is another word.
Evolution has failed me... I always hit my stride
five minutes before bedtime.
They could make movie theaters ten times smaller and
just put people ten times closer to the movie screen.
Nothing like a good stretch… or being buried in an
avalanche of marshmallows.
You never realize just how much you depend upon your
phone until you have to go without it for a while... ten minutes is a heck of a long
time.
3-D crossword holograms are the wave of the future.
Unfortunately, no one has invented it yet, and currently Obi-wan is our only
hope.
Don't be reeling off some elegantly-placed adjective
when you don't yet have a noun for it to modify.
Saying “I Love Us” is half narcissistic.
The downfall of human civilization will be marked as
the point where passwords turned into
I-don't-know-what-it-is-so-email-a-new-one-to-me.
In the presidential election, early voters in some
states were allowed to change their vote, but to make it official they had to
tell Regis it was their final answer.
My linguistics professor once told us that no two
words have the same meaning, which I find both astounding and astonishing.
It's quicker to say “Volkswagen” than it is to say “VW”,
but people think they’re saving time by using an acronym.
We get it already, mattress brigade... mattresses
are so soft that raw eggs can sleep comfortably on them.
I've been inside a cave for the last twenty eight
years. Did I miss anything?
If RealFeel is generally 3 degrees warmer than the
actual temperature, is the 72 I'm comfortable with the normal 72 or the
RealFeel 72?
This could be the most pivotal presidential election
in your lifetime, especially if you have the lifespan of a gnat.
If someone asks you if you're calling them a liar,
say, “I'm ambivalent on the matter. I'll have to try it out and see how it fits
first.”
My phone gave a warning that said listening to music
at loud volumes may damage your hearing, so I pressed “I'm feeling lucky.”
I'm so busy, I have on my calendar next Friday: “There
must be something going on tonight.”
People wear pajamas out in public because??......
all their other clothes are at the dry cleaners.
Ask a determinist if they'll let you make any of
their decisions for them.
Exit polls confirm that voters are exiting the
voting areas.
If only they made voting as fun as breaking things,
then we would finally have our truly representative democratic process.
Social media has set humanity back two centuries,
with the realization that we're collectively much dumber than we thought we
were.
Tasty food is commonly referred to as “mouth-watering”,
because “saliva inducing” doesn't quite have the same appeal to it.
Vortex, nexus and axis all curiously have the
intersecting 'X' in them, probably from the shared Latin root 'excalibur',
meaning crossing swords.
Social media has shined a light on how many
eccentric people there are, dashing all preconceptions.
The English language needs to add more words so I
can score higher in Words With Friends.
Unlike Facebook, curiously my Twitter followers
don't cheer whenever I change my profile picture or remark on what a good look
it is for me.
Everyone wants to go from point A to point B, but
for some reason no one is interested in going from point B to point A.
If you just tell me the news, you don't need to also
tell me that it's breaking. It's already implied in the basic concept of news.
A remote occurrence that doesn't happen 97% of the
time on any given day will still occur, on average, once every month.
My only goal in life is to outlive all my to-do
lists.
Wise man say: When having great day, don't limit to
24 hours.
30 days is our default period for approximating a
month, and yet only four of the months are 30 days long.
Iggy Pop must've come after Shemp and Curly Joe,
perhaps in an uncredited role.
If I won't believe #14, how come you put it way down
at #14?
Tom Brady has gotten so good that he has to spot the
other team 20 points in order to keep from getting bored.
All these lists of places to visit before you die,
but what I’m really interested in is the list of places to visit after you die.
Somebody took my parking space, and then I
remembered I don't own a parking space.
What happened to June?? I thought June was supposed
to have 47 days.
Historians will be perplexed by incessant late 20th
and early 21st century lyrical references to one's beloved as “baby”.
Apparently these people thought of each other as infants.
Heat only feels good while you're cold, but once
you're hot, then cold feels good.
(my next random thought will be unintentionally left
blank)
If I talk more than three seconds in a day about
cars, it's too much.
The same operating system that recognizes Caps Lock
is on can't account for that and use the password entry as if Caps Lock were
off.
I can't stay away from Facebook... it shows me how
to cook all these meals that have such exotic colors. And kittens fit in there
somewhere.
My phone warns me when I turn the volume too high on
my music, yet it never says anything about the perils of social media.
Nobody really knows how to use the word “robust”,
but it's a lot of fun to say.
An attribute of intelligent people is that they
don't believe Facebook memes telling them what attributes intelligent people
have.
People keep saying we need to stop the hate, but
haven't remarked on needing to stop criminal activity existing since medieval
times.
(this thought intentionally left unblank)
Is there any difference between prohibited and
strictly prohibited?
There is 116 grams of sugar in a 6-ounce bag of
Ocean Spray dried cranberries, which is only 54 fewer grams than if it were 6
ounces of pure sugar.
Celebrities have roughly 73 awards shows. They must
like getting awards.
I didn't even realize they made home comfort
systems. In former times, it was just hot or cold air blowing out your vents.
People who've been posting memes in social media for
years are suddenly concerned about fake news.
Celebrity political videos where they keep repeating
a mantra are really convincing. They're really convincing... they're really
convincing.
There isn't anything in life that makes sense if you
try to intellectualize it. But through intuition, you can understand at a
deeper level.
Motivational speakers use their hands a lot while
they're talking. It's all Jedi mind trick hand waving.
Winged insects must be perplexed by mirrors. It's a
duplicate of the room they're in, with a force field preventing entry.
So that explains why Putin got eight million votes
in Tennessee.
New animated movie trailers always tell you to “get
ready” for something. Can't I just watch their movie without preparing ahead of
time?
You have a moral obligation to not utilize your
voting freedom.
Something's different today....... Oh, wait -- I
forgot to get out of bed.... One minor detail and you're branded all day.
Warren Buffett makes a lot more money than Jimmy
Buffett does, but Jimmy makes more people happy with the money he makes.
Remind me again how I'm supposed to vote, because I
wouldn't be able to figure it out on my own.
Imperfection not only makes art appealing, but makes
it bearable.
People who say they prefer dry weather should go
live on Mars, because without rain that's what this would be.
Chess is a metaphor for life. You have to think
ahead several moves or your opponent will get you in checkmate.
The TV ad says “Order today,” and I'm thinking: “Hey,
they're right... I could give them my money right now — I don't have to wait
till tomorrow.”
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